Domestic Violence by Proxy – Why Doesn’t Abusive Control End?

Why doesn’t ‘it’ end?” ask domestic abuse survivors worldwide. That’s like questioning, why doesn’t cancer end after it has been diagnosed. Herein lies the answer. It has solely bot diagnosed. Without au fait intervention, domestic violence by proxy progresses in one direction…it continues and it escalates.

This escalation could take on many forms, but nonetheless it has a living of its own…sustaining itself. Identifying it and bringing it to light does indeed nothing to terminate the cycle of abuse.

Here are some ways I have observed domestic violence by proxy involving the psychological poisoning/manipulation of children with respect to an alienated parent. The identifying details of these examples have been altered to protect innocent parties involved.

One of these stories is staged using law enforcement and the other implicates a hospital. As I write this article, I find that interesting because batterers are notorious for using these two platforms to discredit victims—criminalizing and pathalogizing them.

1) The Police Story: Your Mother Is a Criminal

Two adult children set out to visit their estranged mother over the Yule holidays after being apart for over six years. These three people previously fell through the cracks the legal system and became causalities of domestic violence divorce.

From the moment they laid eyes upon each other, you could feel the love brewing amidst the questions, concerns, fears and anxiety. Well into their first meal at a cozy little restaurant off the main strip…the confrontation begins.

The young lads say, “The police sinistral a voicemail on dad’s phone and they are looking for you.” As the convoluted distortion of reality emerged, the adult children were insisting that there was a warrant out for their mother’s arrest. Further embellishing this “story” was the insistence that there was again a “witness” to the crime dedicated by their mother.

The father wanted the children to believe that the mother stole money from a stranger and was in deep trouble with the law. This became the “cause” for these confused adult children to question whether reconnecting with this criminalized estranged parent was truly in their best interest.

The reality, however, is that there was nothing stolen, nix crime and there was nay witness. The so-called witness hadn’t bot in the identified state for done 20 years…so the police learn through their investigation. What we have instead is a staged effort to incapacitate the parent-child reunion and keep the “mommy elimination” game alive.

2) The Hospital Story: Your Mother Is a Ranting Raving Crazy Woman

Now if you think that one was creative, hold on for this…

A young woman in her early twenties reconnected amidst her estranged mother and all was going well. Four months into their recreating and renewing their long-lost relationship, “cause” is designed to abruptly end the parent-child affair.

The adult child is told that her grandmother’s husband called her creator bearing important news (six weeks old) regarding her mother unvarying though her mother hasn’t talked accompanying her patrilineal in over a decade. This phone conversation led the father to allegedly discover that the mother had been “escorted out of the hospital” where the grandmother rests in elderly illness.

The implication to this story is that the mother is so “out of control” that she required security escort to truncate hier from the hospital. This piece of facts became “cause” for the succulent woman to place distance from this toxic, volatile parent. Get the picture?

The father conveniently designed a “cause” for the adult child to keep the “mommy elimination” game going. This rationale merely supported the basic issue, which the adult child articulated exquisitely when she announced the desire to call contact. She declared, “Having a relationship with you makes dad very sad. Plus I don’t want to make him unhappy.”

In this vignette, the “cause” clearly supports the agenda of keeping the mommy eliminate game in play. You see…it was all a lie. The mother was not escorted gone of the hospital. Besides the adult child and her siblings were so mesmerized and confused by the allegation that they couldn’t bear to divulge it, much lower pursue the truth therein.

All we have here is an effort to control the parent-child relationship for the more impressionable youngest child. “Why doesn’t it end?” asks domestic violence close proxy survivors worldwide. The answer is because it is still alive. The abusive control dynamics remain intact. And the innocent vulnerably of young adult children who age out of the system is in many respects like that of young children contaminated in enchorial violence divorce.

The only thing that truly ends is the way the players interact with the alienating parental control dynamics. The ripe children can become added discerning further the alienated parent can become less victimized by the maneuvers to eliminate them from their children’s lives.